doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
