Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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