my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
