Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
