I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
