My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
