A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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