Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
