Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
