My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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