Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
