new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's rum buckets o'clock
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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