So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
