Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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