Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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