John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
