I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
