I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
