I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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