I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
