How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
