guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
