I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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