it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
this will be a night to untag.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
