I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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