In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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