Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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