Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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