so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
