Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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