True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
