I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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