Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
