i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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