I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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