so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize