An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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