i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
