shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
