I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
