This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
this is an emotional support booty call
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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