She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
