Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You don't make any sense
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