I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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