38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
