I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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