so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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