im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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