I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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