my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize