My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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