bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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