I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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