she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
