fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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