i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
