if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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