the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
