I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
