eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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