Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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