I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
