eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
