My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
